Sunday, December 9, 2012

New Job

New Job. This is both the best job in the world, and the worst.'
Yes, that means I'm caring for babies and toddlers. They are great. The job would be great if my boss understood toddlers, and if things were set up correctly for them...

Thursday, October 11, 2012

a Cold

I have a cold. Maybe it's the result of emotionally powerful stuff this week.
I don't so much mind being sick, but I had to miss a spiritual reading group I go to on Thursdays. We read from the writings of Luisa Picarretta.
I also wanted to ask Father for advice about something.
And I was looking forward, socially, to seeing some people. A rare thing, as there are very few people I actually enjoy being around. Only one, really, discounting some people who are no longer in my life and who I will never see again. No, that one person isn't one of the persons  at the meeting. So the social part is only a minor disappointment.
I'm mostly disappointed to miss the evening of reading Luisa. Yes, I can read on my own, but I get extra insights with Father.
And I wanted his advice.
I could have gone, but I didn't want to give the cold to the people I carpool with.
Well, it's all in God's Will.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Unemployed Part 1

Here I am unemployed again. I've been out of work for three months.

Sign that I am a total pushover: Who on earth, when being fired for a totally ridiculous reason, tells their boss "Yes, you're doing the right thing. I probably agree with you."
Who tries to comfort their boss who is having emotional difficulty firing them?
Yes, me. World's number 3 Pushover. Why #3? Number 1 seemed too ambitious, and i didn't want to hurt the feelings of the person who might be number 1, or the feelings of the person who thinks they might be number 2.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

For anyone who saw my Last post

Which was a while ago...I've been neglecting this blog...
This post is due to a family member who was all critical because I sent him a link to the blog by Steve Gershom ("Catholic, Gay, and Feeling Fine). For any one who's wondering, Steve Gershom (and I,) believes and follows the teachings of the Catholic Church in all area's of ethics and morality!  People only mthink otherwise about him if they didn't actually read any of his articles (and if you disagree with him, read some of his articles anyway: they're very good, and excellent writer and philosopher.)
This is in response to that family member. Actually, that family member doesn't read my blog, either. Just shouting into the air, here.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

My Quality

I was thinking one of my best qualities is that I never get mad at a child. But come to think of it, I rarely get mad at anyone.

This is sort of non-sequitur, but
What happened to all my Russian viewers?

Friday, March 23, 2012

O Barren one

I've come to the realization that I'll probably never have a family.
Various things all added together.
27 and never been asked out by a guy. A pattern of them never interested in me. They don't see me that way or show any interest. (except older married men. Purely innocent, interest, of course. They all love to tell me about their kids.) As for the rest, Never, ever.
Just something about my personality?
And yet, it's not as if I've always been that interested in all of them.
Only one seemed to see me differently than all others saw me. He saw me as so special. He was so different, himself, no one in the world quite the same, a universe unto himself.
Was there at one time any desire on his part for something other than friendship? Maybe? I'll never know now. Maybe it doesn't matter.
He seemed to see me as special. That doesn't have to be in the context of boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. So, it doesn't matter. Could something else have come about? Does it matter? What matters is what did happen, what did exist, the moments and friendship we really did share.
Exactly how special was I to him? I don't know. Don't know exactly how much. But to some degree, yes.
It doesn't matter how he sees me then or now. One thing matters: he is special. He is special and I'm not about to forget that.
Now I have stopped feeling attracted to men. It's been that way for a number of months. Part of me is too dried up.
I always thought if I was in the world, I 'd have lots of kids. Still am happy, because of Christ in my soul.

"For it is written: "Rejoice, O barren woman, who bears no children; break forth and cry aloud, you who have no labor pains; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband."

perfume, deer, new stuff, etc.

I did something new last week, and bought perfume. I was at this store/salon for no particular reason other than that I'd taken a walk in that direction and like to pop into places like that to try free samples of stuff. Went to the perfume section and out of curiosity I sprayed some tester bottles onto the stand to smell. !!! Almost blew my nose out. Don't stand too close to those things!
One of the brands was named poison, a name which aptly described the sensation my nose was experiencing.
There was one, exactly one, that I really liked. It breathed many things and had warmth. There were many elements to the smell. They say vanilla is attractive. I never understood that until smelling this scent and recognizing it within the perfume.
I decided to do something new, just this once, and buy the stuff. No reason that makes sense. I don't really want anyone i know to smell it on me. The only person who took happy  notice of little things about me is someone I no longer see. So it was an entirely self-gratifying decision. Except that I'm wearing it when I sneak to a Perpetual Adoration chapel  in the middle of the night. :)  Which makes the perfume special. :)
By the way, some use vanilla to attract deer. Pure-no corn syrup vanilla might repel mosquitoes. Neither is an issue where I live now, but if I ever move back home (northeast PA) ti might be interesting to test. Although there's minimal need to attract deer even if you're hunting since in some places deer arte breathing down people's necks.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


Even when I'm sad, deep deep down, something in me is always incredibly happy. This thing is the knowledge of God.
Don't underestimate my sadness. I've leaned over the cliffs of despair. There was that one day in the recent past when suicide really appeared as the happiest option.  Only Our Lady (Jesus' Mom) was there to save me from that. She was there. I couldn't speak to the one friend who has always been able to lift me up.
I've leaned over the cliffs of despair. But sadness will all pass away. The happiness is deeper and more substantial. There's a lot more happiness.
Far more happiness.

students of various ages

One of my middle school students has a teeny little crush on me. It's not subtle at all. Thankfully, he seems happy rather than heartbroken.
And, even though it's weird and disconcerting it's somewhat flattering.
Isn't that horrible, sad, and deserving of be flattered by the attention of a middle schooler? Am I that hard up for attention?
I'm sticking to first graders from now on. They give me lots of attention, consisting of hugs, hugs and hugs, and portable whiteboards on which they've written how much they love me alongside a charming expressionist portrait

Monday, February 20, 2012

Monday, February 13, 2012

Life's Hierarchical Dichotomy

Life has both joy and sorrow, sometimes in regard to the same things. Joy is the most important and sorrow only exists because of joy. Evil can only exist because of good. All evil is the loss of a good thing. Evil is not a thing in itself.  ..For instance...someone dies..the sorrow of their death is sorrow over the cessation of their life. First, they had to live. A child is neglected, physically and emotionally: that evil is the non-existence of the good which should have existed, the good of love and care. Despite all bad things, we exist. How amazing! If you lose someone, remember that somewhere, they still exist. If they die, they still exist. God is merciful in that.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Happy things

For those of you who haven't caught on, I have a rat. He is small. He's white with black markings, and his name is Signum. He's really really friendly and hates to be away from people. Kind of needy, even. Neediness is often deprecated. The fact is, we need people to need us, don't we?

Saturday, January 14, 2012