Friday, March 23, 2012

O Barren one

I've come to the realization that I'll probably never have a family.
Various things all added together.
27 and never been asked out by a guy. A pattern of them never interested in me. They don't see me that way or show any interest. (except older married men. Purely innocent, interest, of course. They all love to tell me about their kids.) As for the rest, Never, ever.
Just something about my personality?
And yet, it's not as if I've always been that interested in all of them.
Only one seemed to see me differently than all others saw me. He saw me as so special. He was so different, himself, no one in the world quite the same, a universe unto himself.
Was there at one time any desire on his part for something other than friendship? Maybe? I'll never know now. Maybe it doesn't matter.
He seemed to see me as special. That doesn't have to be in the context of boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. So, it doesn't matter. Could something else have come about? Does it matter? What matters is what did happen, what did exist, the moments and friendship we really did share.
Exactly how special was I to him? I don't know. Don't know exactly how much. But to some degree, yes.
It doesn't matter how he sees me then or now. One thing matters: he is special. He is special and I'm not about to forget that.
Now I have stopped feeling attracted to men. It's been that way for a number of months. Part of me is too dried up.
I always thought if I was in the world, I 'd have lots of kids. Still am happy, because of Christ in my soul.

"For it is written: "Rejoice, O barren woman, who bears no children; break forth and cry aloud, you who have no labor pains; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband."

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