Sunday, March 25, 2012

My Quality

I was thinking one of my best qualities is that I never get mad at a child. But come to think of it, I rarely get mad at anyone.

This is sort of non-sequitur, but
What happened to all my Russian viewers?

Friday, March 23, 2012

O Barren one

I've come to the realization that I'll probably never have a family.
Various things all added together.
27 and never been asked out by a guy. A pattern of them never interested in me. They don't see me that way or show any interest. (except older married men. Purely innocent, interest, of course. They all love to tell me about their kids.) As for the rest, Never, ever.
Just something about my personality?
And yet, it's not as if I've always been that interested in all of them.
Only one seemed to see me differently than all others saw me. He saw me as so special. He was so different, himself, no one in the world quite the same, a universe unto himself.
Was there at one time any desire on his part for something other than friendship? Maybe? I'll never know now. Maybe it doesn't matter.
He seemed to see me as special. That doesn't have to be in the context of boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. So, it doesn't matter. Could something else have come about? Does it matter? What matters is what did happen, what did exist, the moments and friendship we really did share.
Exactly how special was I to him? I don't know. Don't know exactly how much. But to some degree, yes.
It doesn't matter how he sees me then or now. One thing matters: he is special. He is special and I'm not about to forget that.
Now I have stopped feeling attracted to men. It's been that way for a number of months. Part of me is too dried up.
I always thought if I was in the world, I 'd have lots of kids. Still am happy, because of Christ in my soul.

"For it is written: "Rejoice, O barren woman, who bears no children; break forth and cry aloud, you who have no labor pains; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband."

perfume, deer, new stuff, etc.

I did something new last week, and bought perfume. I was at this store/salon for no particular reason other than that I'd taken a walk in that direction and like to pop into places like that to try free samples of stuff. Went to the perfume section and out of curiosity I sprayed some tester bottles onto the stand to smell. !!! Almost blew my nose out. Don't stand too close to those things!
One of the brands was named poison, a name which aptly described the sensation my nose was experiencing.
There was one, exactly one, that I really liked. It breathed many things and had warmth. There were many elements to the smell. They say vanilla is attractive. I never understood that until smelling this scent and recognizing it within the perfume.
I decided to do something new, just this once, and buy the stuff. No reason that makes sense. I don't really want anyone i know to smell it on me. The only person who took happy  notice of little things about me is someone I no longer see. So it was an entirely self-gratifying decision. Except that I'm wearing it when I sneak to a Perpetual Adoration chapel  in the middle of the night. :)  Which makes the perfume special. :)
By the way, some use vanilla to attract deer. Pure-no corn syrup vanilla might repel mosquitoes. Neither is an issue where I live now, but if I ever move back home (northeast PA) ti might be interesting to test. Although there's minimal need to attract deer even if you're hunting since in some places deer arte breathing down people's necks.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


Even when I'm sad, deep deep down, something in me is always incredibly happy. This thing is the knowledge of God.
Don't underestimate my sadness. I've leaned over the cliffs of despair. There was that one day in the recent past when suicide really appeared as the happiest option.  Only Our Lady (Jesus' Mom) was there to save me from that. She was there. I couldn't speak to the one friend who has always been able to lift me up.
I've leaned over the cliffs of despair. But sadness will all pass away. The happiness is deeper and more substantial. There's a lot more happiness.
Far more happiness.

students of various ages

One of my middle school students has a teeny little crush on me. It's not subtle at all. Thankfully, he seems happy rather than heartbroken.
And, even though it's weird and disconcerting it's somewhat flattering.
Isn't that horrible, sad, and deserving of be flattered by the attention of a middle schooler? Am I that hard up for attention?
I'm sticking to first graders from now on. They give me lots of attention, consisting of hugs, hugs and hugs, and portable whiteboards on which they've written how much they love me alongside a charming expressionist portrait